My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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