Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
