So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
