i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have tasted many bathrooms
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
