Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
