if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
