um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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