I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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