took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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