dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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