i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
