Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
