I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
