Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
