Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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