I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
