The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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