cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
