it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
