If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
