The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
