I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
