Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
