i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
