So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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