I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
