You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
