I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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