I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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