Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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