How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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