Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
