We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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