census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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