Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
it's great music for shaving your balls
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
