i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize