i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
