Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
