Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
