he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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