I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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