So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
