I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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