so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
