i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
