good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
