when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize