Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
