I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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