why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
