you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
