My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
