Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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