i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
