If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
