I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
