Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
