I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just had sex on a roof
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