Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
