all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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