He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
