you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
