I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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