well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
