I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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