oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize