you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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