Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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