A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
