i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
