Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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